5 January 2011... Happy birthday Sam

Today is such a difficult day for me. Two years ago on this day, I spoke to someone I loved dearly and told her how much she meant to me. I wish I had known that it would be the last time I would ever get to tell her that I loved her. Perhaps I would have said more, perhaps with more eloquence but there’s no going back. This person was Samanta Andrew and today would have been her birthday. Just a few short weeks later she tragically lost her life. With absolutely no warning, she was taken from us by an illness and since that day it seems that the sun shines a little less brightly. Sam was my neighbor but I grew up regarding her as my eldest sister.

In my youth, Sam was always at my house, with a smile, a hug and if I was lucky, with a batch of her yummy pancakes. As I grew up that relationship changed and she became a mentor, a partner in crime and someone I could turn to for advice.  The years she spent in New Zealand were difficult but I always knew that she was an email away and I knew I could look forward to a visit in the future. When she left us, I tried to deal with it as best I could. I preferred to think that she went back to New Zealand and that there would be an email and a visit some day. That email never came and I know that that visit will never come but a part of me wants to hold on to her so much. I don’t want her memory to fade. I don’t want to lose her. My sister and I think of her all the time and we never realized how much she was a part of us until she was gone. She introduced my sister to her husband and spoke at their wedding. I always joked to her that she’d have to find me a husband too. She encouraged me to live my life fully and move to New Zealand as I always wanted to but now that she’s gone, that dream has died with her. It just wouldn’t be the same without Sam.

Sam will never truly leave us because her brother, Kevin’s youngest daughter and my niece have been named after her and that comforts me. They will grow up with a guardian angel to be reckoned with. Hopefully they’ll possess her zest for life. Already my niece reminds me so much of Sam. Little Gabby is never without a smile and has this really cute loud giggle. Sam used to laugh with everything in her. She never held back from joy. She loved manicured nails, animal print clothing, bling, fast cars, shoes and handbags and was every inch a lady… but one with such a distinct personality.  She was a beautiful person inside and out. No one could resist her charm and she made friends easily. When she passed away, there were condolences from all over the world which goes to show how well loved Sam was. There are so many people still hurting from her loss. I sometimes get so angry that she didn’t take better care of herself. She was a nursing sister; couldn’t she have realized she was sick? Why didn’t she go to a doctor? Why did she leave us? But that’s selfish of me because I know that everyone has their time and I know that Sam is with God. I guess I can be a little envious of God because He gets to enjoy her company now.

 I can’t hold back the tears anymore. It hurts so much to miss her. I’ve made a decision. Every year on the 5 of January, I will wear animal print and killer shoes and I’ll get a manicure to remind me to live like Sam lived, to remember to take care of myself and those around me, to be giving of myself and my time but not to lose myself in the process. I will always remember the sister of my heart.

RIP Samanta Andrew. I will love you and miss you always.

1 January 2011.. And so it begins

So, it’s the first hour of the first day of 2011 and I really should be in bed but somehow the thoughts in my head just seem too loud so I thought best to set them free. It’s a new year again and I find myself pondering resolutions… you know, those things we think we’re going to do but never will despite our best efforts and intentions. Well, last year I tried to be realistic about my goals and I did give them an honest effort. I did lose a teeny tiny bit of weight but only after gaining tons more and I started taking care of myself at first but somehow fell back in that trap of self doubt. Saving? Well, let us just say that the recession got the better of me. I grew my hair to beautiful length but split ends swiftly ended that. As for my studies, somehow there was just never enough time to do those assignments.

It’s funny really, 2010 was a really big year for South Africa. We waited for it with bated breath, we changed our infrastructure, unified our nation, put on a show for the world to see and what was left afterward? Well, just the infrastructure and too many damned vuvuzelas! I guess for the non-soccer loving South Africans, it was just another year. I can’t even say it was all that wonderful but maybe that’s just the pessimist in me speaking. Okay so let’s see… what were the highlights of my 2010?

• 1.       Winning my arbitration against the Department of Education and being made a permanent educator which brought with it job stability and perks such as subsidized medical aid.

• 2.       The birth of my beautiful niece Gabby who is just such a blessing in our family.

• 3.       Winning a major environmental competition for my school which brought me some acclaim as a dedicated science teacher but the best part was definitely the joy it brought to my students, my beloved Green Team.

• 4.       Reading the Vampire Academy books by Richelle Mead which promptly led to an obsession with all things Vampire Academy. Some (most) people think I’m a little crazy when it comes to these books but through them I have broadened my horizons, met (virtually) wonderful new friends like Allara McCall Brocherie and the hugely talented Janet Cadsawan (jewelry designer extraordinaire) and I even finished first in an online Vampire Academy treasure hunt.

Well, those seem to be my highlights. I haven’t included winning the tickets to that Twilight party because it turned out to be a wasted trip to Johannesburg and a huge expense that I could have lived without. If nothing else, it was an experience.

The biggest thing that happened to me was definitely reading the Vampire Academy series. I don’t know how to describe it really. You know that feeling you get when you fall in love? That complete and utter satisfaction you have with life? That bittersweet yearning for more that drives you crazy but yet you still savour every second of it? Well, that’s what reading those books was like to me. I know that they are classified as young adult and I’m well, just plain adult, but I can’t resist reading anything mildly vampire related.  In reading those books, I got to escape my dreary life and live through the words of Richelle Mead. I got to fall in love with a handsome mysterious Russian warrior and a scruffy yet entirely charming social outcast. I got to fight battles to save those I love. I lost myself in those pages and found myself there too, a changed person. I got to visit places in my mind that reality won’t ever let me see. I had my heart broken. I had my heart mended. I cried, I laughed, and I loved in those pages. I recognized in myself how I had been so dead inside and had lost my yearning for life and adventure. I came alive through these books and that experience, the way it moved me, it has led to this obsession. So naturally, I joined every facebook page related to Vampire Academy (VA) and through my rantings and discussions on these pages I met other likeminded people. These are strong beautiful woman, inspiration woman from all walks of life, of all ages, colours, backgrounds, etc. and we are all united in that we all experienced something so beautiful in reading these books. I sometimes feel like I have more of a relationship with these people who I chat to than with those people who exist in my reality. Maybe it is because I can relate to these women and they understand me. Sometimes I feel so lost and alone in my world but they seem to know me. They understand how the written word holds so much intrigue and power for me. I feel that in these VA groups, I belong. I am somebody. I am important. How I wish I could have that sense of self in the real world instead of feeling so utterly invisible.

I feel sorry for the youth of this generation, so few of them are readers. It saddens me to know that they will never have experiences like what I’ve had through books. The internet, movies, games… it’s like bubblegum. You take it in, you chew on it for a while but then you spit it out. It gives you nothing. It cannot sustain you. Good literature, now that’s food for the soul. I don’t think I could be the person that I am today if I had never read. I mean, think about all the words out there in the world. I think of ‘The Prophet’ by Khalil Gibran. Such a short book, so few words yet such profound words. If the whole world could live by those words, we’d be such better people. Words can be weapons but words are also saviours. It’s the words we chose to use that make a difference. Somehow, the words that sprung forth the mind of Richelle Mead were just the words I needed. Her creativity inspires me. The way she could create such vivid characters, such rich history, capture the essence of  good and evil so honestly, describe places so perfectly that they spring to life in perfect imagery… her power over words is just so phenomenal. I wish I could relay to her how much her books really mean to me. When I was in hospital, I was so afraid that there was something in me that could end me.  I was even more terrified in the realization that I have never truly savoured life. After days and days of tests, scans and countless needle-prodding, it turned out to be nothing serious but those days in hospital gave me time to think about life, love, and God. In my darkest hour, I drew strength from those books and my faith. I loved them so much I even chose to mark myself with elements from the books. A rose to remind me of my femininity, a molnija to remind me of my inner strength, a promise mark to remind me to be true to my word, a zvezda to give me the courage to endure all life’s challenges and the words ‘Beauty, Love and Honour’ to remind me that that is what I should live for.

And so, I head forward now, into a new year. I have no idea what 2011 will hold for me. None of us do. I know that I am dissatisfied with many elements of my life right now, some of which can be altered and some which cannot. I just need to try not to get lost in the every day. I need to remember the bigger picture. So that brings me to my resolutions for 2011.

• 1.       Lose weight, not for anyone else but for myself. I need to be happy with my own reflection. I had a head start with this by joining Curves a few months ago.

• 2.       Take pride in my imperfect self because my imperfect self is perfectly me.

• 3.       Save up to go on that European tour with my friends so I can experience the world through my senses and not just my imagination.

• 4.       Try to write again be it prose, poetry or blog. I use to have power over words and I know that I can wield that power again.

• 5.       Learn to paint so I can share all that beauty in my mind with the world around me.

• 6.       Learn to belly dance for no other reason than I want to!

So to anyone out there who stumbled across this blog, I hope that my words have given meaning to some aspect of your life. So go take a walk, visit a museum, go out and just live this amazing life that you were blessed with. There is so much beauty out there if we just seek it but before you do any of that, please go to the library and pick up a book. (I strongly suggest Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead.)

 

Paper Castles by Kerissa Naidu| Lulu Poetry

Paper Castles by Kerissa Naidu Lulu Poetry

What becomes of dreams? by Kerissa Naidu| Lulu Poetry

What becomes of dreams? by Kerissa Naidu Lulu Poetry

In this world by Kerissa Naidu| Lulu Poetry

In this world by Kerissa Naidu Lulu Poetry

12 August 2010

I'm sitting at work and it’s approximately 12:30. The children were sent home early because the majority of the staff is attending a peaceful march. There's a strike looming on the horizon and the march is just the first step because the government is just not agreeing to our request for a much-deserved salary increase. So pretty much, the school is semi-deserted... few staff, no children and that leaves me bored. To alleviate said boredom, here I am, writing a blog after an absence of several months.




The first thing I did was to read through my previous blogs so I guess that first I'll report back on what has happened since. Firstly, I have stuck to barely any of my resolutions but isn't that the point of resolutions? We all set unrealistic goals but never actually accomplish them. Well, I am not eating healthy (my lunch involved a quarter super peri chicken and Portuguese roll from Barcelos… yummy!) and I am most definitely NOT exercising. Thus I have lost no weight whatsoever, in fact I think I may have gained a bit and I'm not happy at all about it. My sister is pregnant at the moment and my niece will arrive in a few days. We plan on joining the gym next year and motivating each other to gain back our high school figures. (More unrealistic goals.) I would also like to take up belly dancing. I know a few people who do it and it seems like a totally fun way to get in shape. I love dancing!!! I used to do tap, Spanish, modern and even a little ballet, Latin and ballroom dancing when I was younger (and fitter) and I'm completely passionate about dance but sadly an ankle injury or rather several ankle injuries when I was 14 ended my dream of being a dancer/dance teacher. Life went on but that passion never faded. I'm hoping that one day I can convince my boyfriend into joining me for some Latin and ballroom lessons but I doubt it, my baby is a ‘macho man’ kinda guy. My love for dancing probably explains my current 'obsession' as my boyfriend terms it. He's probably right. I am totally fascinated by a dancer named Dharmesh Yelande from ZTV’s Dance India Dance. I guess watching him dance reminds me of that long forgotten dream and the fact that he's easy on the eyes doesn't hurt but honest to God, he has nothing on my baby. There’s only one man for me and that is my boyfriend. I love you baby! Mwah!



Secondly, I really suck at the whole saving thing. I loaded up my accounts buying school uniforms for my ‘son’, stationery, hard drives, etc. and then there was the expenses associated with that vampire-themed party and then when I found out my sister was pregnant I made sure I splurged to spoil my soon-to-be niece and gave my sister an unforgettable baby shower so all in all, not much saving was done. Right now, it’s more like settling off my accounts and then next year I'll have to work on savings.



At least I did stick to some of my resolutions. I registered to do my Honours degree in Education but I have been slacking in that department. I seriously need to be a bit more dedicated to my studies. It sucks though. I’m the kind of person who flourishes in the lecture situation and self-study/distance learning is just not for me. I guess that I’ll just have to persevere and hope that I get through. I’m definitely doing my Masters degree at an actual university. I have no idea how my sister does it, she is so disciplined. Respect sister! Another resolution that I have kind of stuck to is taking better care of myself and dressing for me. I hardly look like Audrey Hepburn but I’m comfortable in what I do wear. I have my black nail polish back. So what if it’s a little goth? It’s me. I do need to do something about my hair though. My boyfriend’s aunt is a fantastic hairdresser. I need to make an appointment. I also started using eye cream. My gran is flawless for a woman her age. She could pass for my mother. Her best beauty advice is to take care of your skin so I make sure I cleanse, don’t sleep with make-up on, moisturize and started using eye cream as soon as I turned 25. If I age half as gracefully as she did, I’ll be happy. My gran is smoking hot!



Speaking of which, yes, I am now 25. I have officially hit the quarter-life crisis and yes, I’ll still comparing myself to other people’s achievements and finding myself lacking but I’m sure that someone out there thinks that my life is pretty brilliant so I shouldn’t complain. I had an absolutely fantastic birthday. I brought a cake in for the staff at work, and then spent a quiet day with my family and boyfriend. It was the perfect birthday! My boyfriend completely spoilt me with a 10mega-pixel digital camera. Another one of my interests is nature photography. I can’t wait to get started. So far I’ve only used it for family photos.



I am starting to love my job by the way. I feel like I have finally settled in at my new school. I got to know the people here, I don’t hide behind my books anymore (although I still read everything in sight) and I feel really comfortable here. The staff here is absolutely wonderful. I’ll even admit (grudgingly) that I really like some of my students. I guess that change can sometimes be a good thing. Anyway that’s it for now. School is closing early and I need to log off. Much love everyone (especially to my boyfriend).

14 March 2010

Hello again to whomever might stumble across my rantings and my 2 followers (thanks guys, you make me feel special). It’s been a long time since I've last ranted. I've just been caught up with everyday endeavors of life I guess. I haven't even read my email in weeks! Thanks to my brother nagging me to upload some pictures onto his facebook, I've finally logged on to the net and here I am.


Firstly, the promised report back on the New Moon party. What can I say to adequately describe such an event? Hmmm... Well, I'm Goth at heart and a major fan of vampire folklore so I had certain expectations of the event. I eagerly awaited the day, arranged leave from work, booked an expensive hotel and generally spent a small fortune in plane tickets assuming that it would be worth every single hard-earned cent for this 'never-to-be-forgotten' moment in time. Carpe diem and all that. Well, what I got was a really lame party. No one was dressed to theme except for a few cast member look-alikes who didn't look much like the cast at all, bimbo waitresses who could have been from the local Hooters handing out bad seafood appetizers, 80's pop music (at a vampire party... wtf?!!!) and I mean, they even were doing fake tattoos as if it was a kiddy's party. No dancing, no dark gothic music, no dark gothic crowd. Just 'barbie' people getting drunk. The bar was also only serving one drink. I mean really? One drink? No options! My boyfriend and I stayed for all of one hour before going back to the hotel, watching a lame horror movie and passing out from the sheer exhaustion of walking around Sandton all day. I could have stayed at home to watch a lame horror movie on TV with my boyfriend. I should have stayed in Durban and rather bought myself a few pairs of hot Iron fist heels with that money. Oh well, at least I won't have to wonder what if. I've had the experience and it is over and I got to spend some quality time with my best friend and even do a bit of shopping.



Moving on, I finally won my dispute against the Department of Education and have been made a permanent educator. To celebrate, I will provide lunch for the staff of my new school. It's about time I start making friends there. I tend to be too much of a loner which leaves me feeling, well lonely. In the same breathe, I don't relate to anyone at my new work place. They are all older than me and married with children. I miss my friends at my old school. Those were good times. I miss my old students. They were my babies. I don't like change. I REALLY miss my varsity and school friends. Without them, I don't really know who I am anymore. I often escape into my books. I recently read 'My Sister's Keeper' and I hated it! If you ever read it, you'd understand why. Worse still, I read it when I had major PMS and cried for an hour after the last chapter. You would have thought my puppy had died if you had seen me. I was devastated! I get too wrapped up in the lives of the characters that I read. I love reading. I'm such an addict. I am reading 'Under a Blood Red Sky' at the moment. The storyline is slow to develop but really good once it does. After that I have the 'House of Night' series waiting for me. I can't wait for the release of 'Strange Fate' by L.J. Smith. It's the last book in the 'Night World' series and all her fans have been waiting years for its release. Only four months more...

I know, I'm an addict, I have a problem. I love books. You would not believe how many books I buy a year. I try to save by trawling through second-hand book stores and I've even found a few treasures there. I specifically look for vampire books. So, if anyone has vampire books that they don't want, feel free to donate them to me. I will cover the cost of delivery from any South African destination. Yeah right... who just gives away books? I wish. See, my inner addict!

Moving on, had a sad week last week. Some of my students found a baby bird trapped in a gutter with no nest in sight. It would have died or been trampled so they brought it to me. I hand fed it every two hours, gave it a clean cage, plenty of reiki and love and then on Friday night, I put it to bed as always, covered it's cage and that night when I went to check on it, it was dead. Just like that. It broke my heart because it was doing so well. I blame myself. Was there something more I could have done to save it? I loved that little bird. I just wanted it to be strong enough and eating by itself so I could set it free but it just died. My heart is so broken. I cried and this time, no irrational PMS. Rest in peace my little Tweet Tweet. The kids will be so sad when I tell them tomorrow. They also became so attached to it. It was a little bit of sunshine that lightened each day. Maybe I should get a class pet for them but do I really want the extra responsibility? My bearded dragon Lestat is already a lot of responsibility. Will the children even appreciate the gesture? I doubt it. I wonder why I ever became a teacher. Forgotten dreams... We all have them, lingering in our pasts, an ever present reminder of what could have been. We all have to settle into real life eventually. We give in to responsibility and become mindless worker bees slaving to satisfy our queens (taxes, car payments, insurance, medical aid, etc.). I'm approaching a quarter-life crisis and am so dissatisfied with where I am right now. I could go on but I think I'll save it for another rant.

Alas, that brings me to the end of today's blog. Feel free to comment, share, add, etc. I hope that this has been entertaining reading.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.