2 May 2011

Hello people out there... (as if anyone actually reads this)

Well, its been a while and this blog has been long overdue. I guess I'm just in the mood to just let everything off my chest... all the deep dark things that have been plaguing me and driving me closer to insanity.

Well lets start with recent adventures before I get to the dark and gritty. So I went to Johannesburg a few months ago for my best friend's birthday. She's been bugging me to visit for a while (2 years to be more precise) so I decided to give in. All I can say is that it was epic. I had the time of my life but it wasn't the venue that made the whole experience amazing, it was the company. I had forgotten just how great it was having her around all the time. We went shoe shopping, ate out at great restaurants, flirted with cute sales attendants (or in my case as I'm a flirting retard and was very much involved at that time, merely blushed like a beet and giggled like a 13 year old) and did the Top Gear festival. The latter was the particularly epic part as somehow by sheer luck, we befriended a kind hearted gentleman by the name of Paolo who allowed my best friend not one but two wishes on her birthday. The first was to sit in a Ferrari F40 and the second was to meet one of her racing heroes, Jody Scheckter. I hope I spelled that correctly or else she'll probably beat me up after reading this. Lol. It was the also the beginning of the end for me. See that weekend was when I really got a glance of my former partner's darker side. By no means am I bad mouthing him, this was the man I loved and intended to marry but between what he did that weekend and the events that followed in the next few weeks, something happened that altered my life forever, I left him.

This is where the dark and dreary comes in. I honestly thought that getting over him would be a nightmare but after the two years that he put me through, it was surprisingly easy to fall out of love. I still care deeply for his well being but I no longer possess the desire to spend the rest of my life with him. The first few days after breaking up with him were difficult and by difficult I mean that I had a complete emotional break down. The break up being the first and most obvious reason, mainly because of the manner in which it happened. Lets just say that he did something that was unforgivable but I shall not mention it here as I have no desire to bad mouth him. He is a decent guy most of the time and will be perfect for some other girl, just not me. Then my pet lizard got sick and for anyone who knows me well, you know that she may as well be the child of my womb (for any concerned folk out there, she is now on the road to recovery). Then my Google Nexus One phone which my darling uncle brought me from America decided to die after a month of use but not before I ran up a R1000 data bill (OUCH). The last thing and the one thing that honestly pushed me over the edge was when my pet African Grey flew away. It was a stupid accident but losing him was like losing an immediate family member. I had secretly hoped that even if we never found him that somebody else would have and would have been taking care of him. Sadly, his story did not have a happy ending and even though he was found, he had gone to rest with God. I didn't think my fragmented heart could shatter any more but it did... a little more each time and taking a piece of my mind with it too.

By this point, I had hit a state of severe depression only made worse by my raging insomnia. At this point I don't think I could have gotten any lower but through the strength of my loved ones, my family and friends (I love you so much guys), I sought the help I needed and am well on to the road to recovery. I occasionally have those horrible melancholy moments but I realise that shit happens and there will always be toilet paper.

Since then, I have started to regain who I am as a being. I've embraced my creative side and started painting with my sister. I've gotten another tattoo to remember the love that I have lost and the strength I still possess. I plan on getting a piercing or two as well. Why you ask? Well, because I can. For the first time in two years, my life is mine again and I'm the one making my own decisions. I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. One is particular who I'd like to get to know better when the time comes. He's the kind of hot that makes a girl like me want to spontaneously combust but I doubt anything more than friendship will happen there. And what I like is that I'm okay with that because I believe in myself again and I know that I'm going to meet many great people in my my life. People who will change me and people who I will change in beautiful but indelible ways. It's how we grow, we are social beings. I'm tired of hiding. It reminds me of the lyrics to an Adele song:

"Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back or to hide from the light."

I used to be that person and I want to be that person again. The person who basks in the sunshine and the joy that life gives us daily but that we take for granted. I feel as though my mind is coming together. My family are slowly healing too with the help a cute baby parrot who isn't a replacement for our lost angel but rather just a baby who needed a loving home. My heart is a little harder. I feel so detached and cold now. I feel venom watching sappy love movies and love songs disgust me, not because I am jealous of what I don't have anymore but because I feel that it's all one big damn lie! It's that hurt you feel when you find out that Santa isn't real. So for now, I guess I believe in compatibility and chemistry but as for love, I'll file that one away with the Loch Ness monster and unicorns.

Anyway, thats the rantings of my lost mind. Later people. I'm off to eat the rice I burnt whilst typing this.

5 January 2011... Happy birthday Sam

Today is such a difficult day for me. Two years ago on this day, I spoke to someone I loved dearly and told her how much she meant to me. I wish I had known that it would be the last time I would ever get to tell her that I loved her. Perhaps I would have said more, perhaps with more eloquence but there’s no going back. This person was Samanta Andrew and today would have been her birthday. Just a few short weeks later she tragically lost her life. With absolutely no warning, she was taken from us by an illness and since that day it seems that the sun shines a little less brightly. Sam was my neighbor but I grew up regarding her as my eldest sister.

In my youth, Sam was always at my house, with a smile, a hug and if I was lucky, with a batch of her yummy pancakes. As I grew up that relationship changed and she became a mentor, a partner in crime and someone I could turn to for advice.  The years she spent in New Zealand were difficult but I always knew that she was an email away and I knew I could look forward to a visit in the future. When she left us, I tried to deal with it as best I could. I preferred to think that she went back to New Zealand and that there would be an email and a visit some day. That email never came and I know that that visit will never come but a part of me wants to hold on to her so much. I don’t want her memory to fade. I don’t want to lose her. My sister and I think of her all the time and we never realized how much she was a part of us until she was gone. She introduced my sister to her husband and spoke at their wedding. I always joked to her that she’d have to find me a husband too. She encouraged me to live my life fully and move to New Zealand as I always wanted to but now that she’s gone, that dream has died with her. It just wouldn’t be the same without Sam.

Sam will never truly leave us because her brother, Kevin’s youngest daughter and my niece have been named after her and that comforts me. They will grow up with a guardian angel to be reckoned with. Hopefully they’ll possess her zest for life. Already my niece reminds me so much of Sam. Little Gabby is never without a smile and has this really cute loud giggle. Sam used to laugh with everything in her. She never held back from joy. She loved manicured nails, animal print clothing, bling, fast cars, shoes and handbags and was every inch a lady… but one with such a distinct personality.  She was a beautiful person inside and out. No one could resist her charm and she made friends easily. When she passed away, there were condolences from all over the world which goes to show how well loved Sam was. There are so many people still hurting from her loss. I sometimes get so angry that she didn’t take better care of herself. She was a nursing sister; couldn’t she have realized she was sick? Why didn’t she go to a doctor? Why did she leave us? But that’s selfish of me because I know that everyone has their time and I know that Sam is with God. I guess I can be a little envious of God because He gets to enjoy her company now.

 I can’t hold back the tears anymore. It hurts so much to miss her. I’ve made a decision. Every year on the 5 of January, I will wear animal print and killer shoes and I’ll get a manicure to remind me to live like Sam lived, to remember to take care of myself and those around me, to be giving of myself and my time but not to lose myself in the process. I will always remember the sister of my heart.

RIP Samanta Andrew. I will love you and miss you always.

1 January 2011.. And so it begins

So, it’s the first hour of the first day of 2011 and I really should be in bed but somehow the thoughts in my head just seem too loud so I thought best to set them free. It’s a new year again and I find myself pondering resolutions… you know, those things we think we’re going to do but never will despite our best efforts and intentions. Well, last year I tried to be realistic about my goals and I did give them an honest effort. I did lose a teeny tiny bit of weight but only after gaining tons more and I started taking care of myself at first but somehow fell back in that trap of self doubt. Saving? Well, let us just say that the recession got the better of me. I grew my hair to beautiful length but split ends swiftly ended that. As for my studies, somehow there was just never enough time to do those assignments.

It’s funny really, 2010 was a really big year for South Africa. We waited for it with bated breath, we changed our infrastructure, unified our nation, put on a show for the world to see and what was left afterward? Well, just the infrastructure and too many damned vuvuzelas! I guess for the non-soccer loving South Africans, it was just another year. I can’t even say it was all that wonderful but maybe that’s just the pessimist in me speaking. Okay so let’s see… what were the highlights of my 2010?

• 1.       Winning my arbitration against the Department of Education and being made a permanent educator which brought with it job stability and perks such as subsidized medical aid.

• 2.       The birth of my beautiful niece Gabby who is just such a blessing in our family.

• 3.       Winning a major environmental competition for my school which brought me some acclaim as a dedicated science teacher but the best part was definitely the joy it brought to my students, my beloved Green Team.

• 4.       Reading the Vampire Academy books by Richelle Mead which promptly led to an obsession with all things Vampire Academy. Some (most) people think I’m a little crazy when it comes to these books but through them I have broadened my horizons, met (virtually) wonderful new friends like Allara McCall Brocherie and the hugely talented Janet Cadsawan (jewelry designer extraordinaire) and I even finished first in an online Vampire Academy treasure hunt.

Well, those seem to be my highlights. I haven’t included winning the tickets to that Twilight party because it turned out to be a wasted trip to Johannesburg and a huge expense that I could have lived without. If nothing else, it was an experience.

The biggest thing that happened to me was definitely reading the Vampire Academy series. I don’t know how to describe it really. You know that feeling you get when you fall in love? That complete and utter satisfaction you have with life? That bittersweet yearning for more that drives you crazy but yet you still savour every second of it? Well, that’s what reading those books was like to me. I know that they are classified as young adult and I’m well, just plain adult, but I can’t resist reading anything mildly vampire related.  In reading those books, I got to escape my dreary life and live through the words of Richelle Mead. I got to fall in love with a handsome mysterious Russian warrior and a scruffy yet entirely charming social outcast. I got to fight battles to save those I love. I lost myself in those pages and found myself there too, a changed person. I got to visit places in my mind that reality won’t ever let me see. I had my heart broken. I had my heart mended. I cried, I laughed, and I loved in those pages. I recognized in myself how I had been so dead inside and had lost my yearning for life and adventure. I came alive through these books and that experience, the way it moved me, it has led to this obsession. So naturally, I joined every facebook page related to Vampire Academy (VA) and through my rantings and discussions on these pages I met other likeminded people. These are strong beautiful woman, inspiration woman from all walks of life, of all ages, colours, backgrounds, etc. and we are all united in that we all experienced something so beautiful in reading these books. I sometimes feel like I have more of a relationship with these people who I chat to than with those people who exist in my reality. Maybe it is because I can relate to these women and they understand me. Sometimes I feel so lost and alone in my world but they seem to know me. They understand how the written word holds so much intrigue and power for me. I feel that in these VA groups, I belong. I am somebody. I am important. How I wish I could have that sense of self in the real world instead of feeling so utterly invisible.

I feel sorry for the youth of this generation, so few of them are readers. It saddens me to know that they will never have experiences like what I’ve had through books. The internet, movies, games… it’s like bubblegum. You take it in, you chew on it for a while but then you spit it out. It gives you nothing. It cannot sustain you. Good literature, now that’s food for the soul. I don’t think I could be the person that I am today if I had never read. I mean, think about all the words out there in the world. I think of ‘The Prophet’ by Khalil Gibran. Such a short book, so few words yet such profound words. If the whole world could live by those words, we’d be such better people. Words can be weapons but words are also saviours. It’s the words we chose to use that make a difference. Somehow, the words that sprung forth the mind of Richelle Mead were just the words I needed. Her creativity inspires me. The way she could create such vivid characters, such rich history, capture the essence of  good and evil so honestly, describe places so perfectly that they spring to life in perfect imagery… her power over words is just so phenomenal. I wish I could relay to her how much her books really mean to me. When I was in hospital, I was so afraid that there was something in me that could end me.  I was even more terrified in the realization that I have never truly savoured life. After days and days of tests, scans and countless needle-prodding, it turned out to be nothing serious but those days in hospital gave me time to think about life, love, and God. In my darkest hour, I drew strength from those books and my faith. I loved them so much I even chose to mark myself with elements from the books. A rose to remind me of my femininity, a molnija to remind me of my inner strength, a promise mark to remind me to be true to my word, a zvezda to give me the courage to endure all life’s challenges and the words ‘Beauty, Love and Honour’ to remind me that that is what I should live for.

And so, I head forward now, into a new year. I have no idea what 2011 will hold for me. None of us do. I know that I am dissatisfied with many elements of my life right now, some of which can be altered and some which cannot. I just need to try not to get lost in the every day. I need to remember the bigger picture. So that brings me to my resolutions for 2011.

• 1.       Lose weight, not for anyone else but for myself. I need to be happy with my own reflection. I had a head start with this by joining Curves a few months ago.

• 2.       Take pride in my imperfect self because my imperfect self is perfectly me.

• 3.       Save up to go on that European tour with my friends so I can experience the world through my senses and not just my imagination.

• 4.       Try to write again be it prose, poetry or blog. I use to have power over words and I know that I can wield that power again.

• 5.       Learn to paint so I can share all that beauty in my mind with the world around me.

• 6.       Learn to belly dance for no other reason than I want to!

So to anyone out there who stumbled across this blog, I hope that my words have given meaning to some aspect of your life. So go take a walk, visit a museum, go out and just live this amazing life that you were blessed with. There is so much beauty out there if we just seek it but before you do any of that, please go to the library and pick up a book. (I strongly suggest Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead.)