2 May 2011

Hello people out there... (as if anyone actually reads this)

Well, its been a while and this blog has been long overdue. I guess I'm just in the mood to just let everything off my chest... all the deep dark things that have been plaguing me and driving me closer to insanity.

Well lets start with recent adventures before I get to the dark and gritty. So I went to Johannesburg a few months ago for my best friend's birthday. She's been bugging me to visit for a while (2 years to be more precise) so I decided to give in. All I can say is that it was epic. I had the time of my life but it wasn't the venue that made the whole experience amazing, it was the company. I had forgotten just how great it was having her around all the time. We went shoe shopping, ate out at great restaurants, flirted with cute sales attendants (or in my case as I'm a flirting retard and was very much involved at that time, merely blushed like a beet and giggled like a 13 year old) and did the Top Gear festival. The latter was the particularly epic part as somehow by sheer luck, we befriended a kind hearted gentleman by the name of Paolo who allowed my best friend not one but two wishes on her birthday. The first was to sit in a Ferrari F40 and the second was to meet one of her racing heroes, Jody Scheckter. I hope I spelled that correctly or else she'll probably beat me up after reading this. Lol. It was the also the beginning of the end for me. See that weekend was when I really got a glance of my former partner's darker side. By no means am I bad mouthing him, this was the man I loved and intended to marry but between what he did that weekend and the events that followed in the next few weeks, something happened that altered my life forever, I left him.

This is where the dark and dreary comes in. I honestly thought that getting over him would be a nightmare but after the two years that he put me through, it was surprisingly easy to fall out of love. I still care deeply for his well being but I no longer possess the desire to spend the rest of my life with him. The first few days after breaking up with him were difficult and by difficult I mean that I had a complete emotional break down. The break up being the first and most obvious reason, mainly because of the manner in which it happened. Lets just say that he did something that was unforgivable but I shall not mention it here as I have no desire to bad mouth him. He is a decent guy most of the time and will be perfect for some other girl, just not me. Then my pet lizard got sick and for anyone who knows me well, you know that she may as well be the child of my womb (for any concerned folk out there, she is now on the road to recovery). Then my Google Nexus One phone which my darling uncle brought me from America decided to die after a month of use but not before I ran up a R1000 data bill (OUCH). The last thing and the one thing that honestly pushed me over the edge was when my pet African Grey flew away. It was a stupid accident but losing him was like losing an immediate family member. I had secretly hoped that even if we never found him that somebody else would have and would have been taking care of him. Sadly, his story did not have a happy ending and even though he was found, he had gone to rest with God. I didn't think my fragmented heart could shatter any more but it did... a little more each time and taking a piece of my mind with it too.

By this point, I had hit a state of severe depression only made worse by my raging insomnia. At this point I don't think I could have gotten any lower but through the strength of my loved ones, my family and friends (I love you so much guys), I sought the help I needed and am well on to the road to recovery. I occasionally have those horrible melancholy moments but I realise that shit happens and there will always be toilet paper.

Since then, I have started to regain who I am as a being. I've embraced my creative side and started painting with my sister. I've gotten another tattoo to remember the love that I have lost and the strength I still possess. I plan on getting a piercing or two as well. Why you ask? Well, because I can. For the first time in two years, my life is mine again and I'm the one making my own decisions. I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. One is particular who I'd like to get to know better when the time comes. He's the kind of hot that makes a girl like me want to spontaneously combust but I doubt anything more than friendship will happen there. And what I like is that I'm okay with that because I believe in myself again and I know that I'm going to meet many great people in my my life. People who will change me and people who I will change in beautiful but indelible ways. It's how we grow, we are social beings. I'm tired of hiding. It reminds me of the lyrics to an Adele song:

"Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back or to hide from the light."

I used to be that person and I want to be that person again. The person who basks in the sunshine and the joy that life gives us daily but that we take for granted. I feel as though my mind is coming together. My family are slowly healing too with the help a cute baby parrot who isn't a replacement for our lost angel but rather just a baby who needed a loving home. My heart is a little harder. I feel so detached and cold now. I feel venom watching sappy love movies and love songs disgust me, not because I am jealous of what I don't have anymore but because I feel that it's all one big damn lie! It's that hurt you feel when you find out that Santa isn't real. So for now, I guess I believe in compatibility and chemistry but as for love, I'll file that one away with the Loch Ness monster and unicorns.

Anyway, thats the rantings of my lost mind. Later people. I'm off to eat the rice I burnt whilst typing this.