31 January 2010 (Goodbyes)

This blog is a sad one. This is a blog for goodbyes.


As I mentioned before, I am a teacher. At times I hate my job even though I love science. I constantly complain about the department of education, the lack of resources and the unruly children. All of this might give one the impression that it’s just a job to me. That impression would be wrong.

One of my biggest flaws is also one of my greatest strengths. I have a big heart. Whilst it allows me to love greatly, it also causes me to hurt deeply. When you are a teacher, you can't keep your heart out of the job. If some teachers do, I would love to know how because I can't. How do you see children grow up in front of you, see their good, see their bad, see their triumphs, failures, fears, strengths, wisdom and so on and not care? As much as I complain about my students, I honest to God love them. I worry about them and am willing to make sacrifices to ensure that they will receive a good education. Often my job goes beyond just their education and I end up worrying about their home situation. On many an occasion have I dipped into my own pockets or given freely of my time. Last year I lost my job and changed schools. This meant leaving behind my children, my babies who I had learnt to love over the years. I still keep in touch with many but for one I wasn't there and this is his story.

I won't mention his name for respect of his memory. I will just call him my lost child. I know what happened to him was a tragic reality of life and beyond my control but I can't help but feel that if I was still at my old school, I would have noticed that something is wrong, that I would have spoken to him, learnt of his problems and maybe even saved him. You see, my lost child was an orphan. Both his parents tragically passed away and I never knew of this as I had moved on to another school (not by choice). Life became difficult for him. He lived in poverty and slowly all his dreams slipped away from him. He couldn't afford school fees or textbooks and his dreams of making something of his life were fading. Somewhere along the way even his spark, his smile, his spirit faded and on Friday he took his life. I cry as I write this because we are so blinded by our own lives that no one noticed the suffering of the sweet child. He was so disillusioned that he took his life and now that he's gone I can't save him. No one can save him. I want to be a good teacher. I want to be a good person and it breaks my heart that I wasn't there. I didn't even know that he had passed away until after the funeral. My mind is awash with memories of him... his compliments no matter how badly I was dressed, him volunteering to wipe the board for me, carrying my bags and even running away from his own classes to sit in my class. Even when he was naughty and drove me crazy, he was alive and now he is not.

Rest in peace my lost child, rest in peace.